Wheelchairs. Those elegant beasts. Majestically strolling across the savannah, heads held high, searching for prey in their never-ending quest for survival. Or something. I could have them confused with, you know, actual animals. But whatever the case may be, the facts are undeniable: everyone loves wheelchairs! Seriously. Everyone. Don’t try and deny it, put your hand up and be proud about it. But why do we love them? Because they appeal to two very human traits, elements of ourselves so deeply ingrained we couldn’t remove them even if we wanted to.
Laziness
So you want to get to whatever destination you have in mind, whether it be local strip club, or not-so-local strip club. What are you going to do? Use your legs? HAH! But, short of some sort of giant robotic animal which you can ride there (and that’s just a ridiculous idea), how else are you going to get there and enjoy some stripping action?
Giant robotic animals? Hah, so stupid. Oh, wait…
That’s where our good friend the wheelchair comes in. He doesn’t care that we’re too ass lazy to walk, no. He happily ferries us from one place to the next without a second thought or snide comment. You get where you want to go without putting in an ounce of effort, and, as a bonus, you can quite freely mock all those unfortunates you pass, slogging around on their feet of all things! Which brings us quite neatly to the second big reason we all love wheelchairs…
People are Assholes
It’s true, look it up. People suck. We love feeling superior, it validates our brief existence somehow. And what better way to feel superior than to be in your own little rickshaw? Not only can you now move faster than people walking (maybe… probably not though), but you can also rub it in the faces of all those cripples around the place, daring to breathe the same air as you. The entire time you ride one of these mothers it’s a statement to all those with disabilities, loudly proclaiming that while you can master their technology with ease, they can’t work the simplest of yours (such as stilts). I mean, what other device in the world can allow you to breeze past everyone else around you and give you an almost definitely unearned feeling of god-like superiority?
I really wish these pictures would stop undermining my argument.
Now, with the reasons we love them firmly discovered, it only remains to find out just what contributions the wheelchair has had throughout history.
The Dark Ages
Ah, castles, knights, and heavily-cleavaged damsels. Yep, it’s the Dark Ages. But, while we’re well aware they had it all over us in terms of bad-assery (it’s a word, look it up), it’s not very well known that they were also some of the first peoples to use the wheel chair. In these times, certain knights would be blessed by their lord with this wonderful device, allowing them to race around the battlefield… assuming it wasn’t all soft mud. While mounted on this contraption, which at the time was known as a “Sore-Arm Horse” (later giving rise to the old expression “Just a sore-arm horse spinning their tyres in the mud”) the knights enjoyed an unprecedented turn of speed, as well as a psychological element of terror over their foes. Well, you try having a lance come racing towards your crotch and see how brave you feel.
Like this, only coming towards your jubblies.
The Aztecs
I bet you didn’t know the Aztecs used wheelchairs, right? It’s true, just check out their pyramids and such. Totally wheelchair accessible. Anyway, the proof lies in the most ferocious warriors of the Aztec race, the Jaguar Warriors. Now, these were people who adorned themselves in the skin of jaguars, true. Also true, however, is that these skins covered their primitive wheelchairs, allowing them to race through the jungles and whatnot at speeds comparable to that of a jaguar… if aforementioned jaguar smoked a pack a day. The squeaking of the wheels might have destroyed any element of surprise they hoped to gain, but a fact that has remained unknown since then, and only recently been revealed in fossil studies, is that jaguars in the area, at the time, also gave off a high-pitched squeaking cry instead of a deep throaty roar, preserving the Jaguar Warriors surprise attacks.
But yes, they were still killed by the Spanish. The Spanish hate the injured, and summarily slaughter any young born with disabilities, explaining why Spain is such a world power now.
…Or not.
Early Japan
Ah, Japan. One of, if not the, most technologically advanced countries in the world. How could the wheelchair have passed through human history without stopping here to say hi? Well, it did. And then it was summarily raped like a schoolgirl surrounded by tentacles.
When the wheelchair first hit Japan it was of a simple design. However, with the spread of Ninja, and the resulting deaths that were happening left, right and centre, the Samurai needed a way to get even. Enter the wheelchair, originally a simple device used to speed the Samurai either into combat, or towards reinforcements. However, over time it developed into a wheeled beast of death, complete with black powder weapons, whirling katanas and other similar blades, as well as the ability to zap any enemies into a pile of ashes. It also had air-con and reasonable mileage.
Little known fact: Optimus Prime started out as a wheelchair. Then he hit Japan.
Modern Times
When looking at all the major time periods where wheelchairs were around, it would be remiss to not mention our modern era, where we’ve seen amazing evolutions. Bear in mind that barely over 100 years ago the wheelchair, despite being quite primitive, experienced such an increase in popularity that every citizen could only be rationed with half of one.
Poor guy. despite a kick-ass hat he’ll never know the joys of a full wheelchair.
Since then we’ve had leaps and bounds in wheelchair technology (probably stolen from the Japanese), which has led to the incredible invention of the Gopher.
I sure could GOPHER some golf right now. (I hate me so hard right now. – Ed.)
So, I hope this article has been an educational little walk through history, and always remember that your wheelchair has feelings too, so make sure you hug it as often as possible, and let it know it’s appreciated.
Old people, however, have NO feelings, so push her out and steal hers. She’ll never catch you!
Mine Sweeper 