Annnnddd…. DANCE!
Nope, not happening. So sorry, my sincerest apologies to that small subset of society who actually enjoy watching a white, pasty nerd attempting to emulate Stretch Armstrong having a seizure, but I will not be dancing today. I will, however, be reviewing the movie ‘Avatar’, so at least one-third of my title is true.
Now, some of you are probably wondering just why I’m reviewing Avatar, at least now of all times.
‘I am.’
‘Shut up!’
The bandwagon has passed, you may cry out, so what gives? Well, what gives, good sir, is that this is my blog and I will write about whatever I damn well feel like writing about, when I so choose. So, in summation, up yours, good sir.
Also, I’ve only just seen it. So, enough with defending myself and on with the review, I say.
Allow me to begin with my major opinion in summary: I liked it. As a piece of entertainment, it worked well. However, boy am I glad I never bought into the hype and paid to see it at the cinema.
I’m sorry, and I’m sure I may get some comments attacking me afterwards, but what the hell are all those people hyping it up and talking about it like it’s the greatest-thing-since-sliced-bread-was-made-into-a-movie on about? It really isn’t all that and a bag of chips. Again, before you all go on about my surly disposition and tendency to hate… well, everything… and how that’s colouring my opinion, I repeat: I enjoyed it! I believe that as a piece of entertainment, whose chief objective, by definition, is to entertain, it was well done. I sat down and watched it, the entire thing, without once wanting to turn it off. And considering I have the shortest attention span you can have without it turning in on itself and making you bored before something has even happened, I consider that a feat. I watched it, attentively, took it all in, and came away having liked the fact I watched that instead of repeats on television. Would I have enjoyed it as much had I paid to see it at the cinema? I highly doubt it, considering how many other films I’m willing to part with money to see that I yet haven’t.
Yes, that was a cheap lead in to this gratuitous shot. No, I’m not changing it.
Unfortunately, the reasons I’m not bowing down and worshipping at the altar that is James Cameron’s Pandora seem to be, in some respects, the reasons other people like the film to the point where they’re willing to commit suicide because they’re not there.
The first of these, and, personally, one I find so obvious part of me is wondering why so many people seem happy to ignore it, is the apparently casual racism Mr Cameron applies in broad strokes to the entire film. Ok, we get that the Na’vi are different from ourselves, and that difference fuels the entire conflict between the humans and the Na’vi. But how does Mr Cameron choose to show this difference? With careful, subtle touches, or bucking the conventions of this theme in media? Nope, they’re a race of primitive jungle-people.
The Na’vi, shown here with their 27 points of articulation.
Now, ok, I get he totally feels the need to express, even as a secondary theme, the idea of racism, and how as soon as we see something that’s different, we, as a people, tend to scream out loud and stand on a chair until someone shoots them. But the key word here is different, not ass-backwards! Ya know what else is different to us? A futuristic planet, where the people have evolved to live in harmony with constructs. Or how about a planet where the people are pure energy, having never needed a physical form? Ya know what’s different, yes, but also a little insulting? Ten foot tall, blue, native Americans! Now, I also understand that Cameron’s second point was, in this difference, he had to make the other people’s way of life seem beautiful, and desirable on second consideration. But who’s to say that race living with robots from before can’t be beautiful? Carven structures and architecture formed by hand towering above anything humans can achieve. How about works of art formed from pure gas being “moulded” in certain ways? Portraits of landscapes, such as Pandora (I’ll meet Cameron halfway here) that actually involve sound and a level of immersion we can’t yet achieve. Sounds different to me, and potentially threatening depending on what else these people have created, yet by no means primitive. Something tells me we won’t find an analogy to that on our planet either, so maybe it won’t be insulting to someone. Yes, Cameron makes them appear as though they’ve got the better life, the life we should all desire, but it seems to me a back-handed compliment. It also assumes quite a bit to presume we don’t appreciate the beauty on our own planet enough.
Pictured: Beauty on our own planet, and I for one appreciate the hell out of it.
In his portrayal of the Na’vi, I feel James Cameron plays it both safe, a little bit insulting, and cliche… which brings me to my next point. The film is freakin’ Pocahontas!!!! No, no ifs, ands, or buts, it’s exactly the same! Let’s analyze, through the medium of yet more pictures! Warning: from this point on there be spoilers!
We’re introduced to a beautiful place, exotic and strange.
People from “civilised” lands arrive. It’s us!
Meet the female lead.
Meet the male lead.
This here’s the evil villain. They gloat a lot. The two leads meet up at some point and start to get to know each other. It’s clear they’re gonna get it on.
Weird ass trees feature for some reason. I dunno, spirits and stuff.
Villains continue to gloat. Those glorious gloating bastards!
Hey look, the leads do some bouncy bouncy! Totally called it. Booyah!
The villains aren’t gloating… guess they’re having a sandwich to fuel future gloating.
Whoops, people die. Shit’s gonna hit the fan now…
…Right after they finish gloating. As stated shit does indeed hit the fan (would you believe Google couldn’t give me a single good picture of the Pocahontas fight scene… stupid Disney), and ultimately the evil, greedy humans are defeated and shown the error of their ways.
Bouncy bouncy continues on, presumably until the sequel.
And that’s it in a nutshell. Sorry to anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, you were warned. But that’s the story, essentially a rehash of a Disney classic. And for me that’s one of the biggest problems with this film, because aside from it’s story, there was never gonna be anything in this film I hadn’t seen before. The graphics? Pshaw, I see just-as-good if not better every time I turn on my Playstation 3. A fully fleshed out alien race? Wow, that hasn’t been done since… oh, every sci-fi movie or series in the last ten years. Really, every one? Huh, there ya go. I expected better from the guy who bought us Terminator!
Could only be cooler if he fought a certain blonde bombshell.
And that really is it’s death knell, at least for me. James Cameron apparently had at least 10 years to work on this, and this was the script he ended with? Did he do no rewrites over that time? It’s like Michael Bay disappearing for 15 years claiming he’s got an uber project he’s sitting on, then coming out with Hamlet. No, adding explosions and Megan Fox does not change the fact someone better than you wrote it long ago! I mean, I understand his reasons… when you’re spending so much to make a film, and need some cash to come back your way, you’re much safer riding on a tried and true storyline. But when everyone came out of the cinema raving about the must see film of the decade I expected either graphics I could literally touch, or at least a decent, new, thought provoking story. Instead what I got was graphics I’ve seen before, and a story about how humans are evil racist bastards, and we shouldn’t mess with an alien race because who knows what beauty they’re hiding, and I got that story delivered much better with District 9. Well, cept the whole alien beauty thing. Damn those prawns were ugly.
Pictured: How the prawns could’ve gotten around that whole ugly thing. See, totally justified it.
So, all up, a summary: I enjoyed the film, don’t get me wrong. Might watch it again sometime soon. But it really wasn’t ground-breaking or earth-shattering, or any other analogy which involves destruction of soil, so don’t kill a parent to see it any time sooner.
Final Rating: 3 Cheeseburgers in a McDonalds… that only contains 5 cheeseburgers for some reason.
Um…er… ok, she’s just hot. Any disagreements?
Oh-my-fucking-gods!
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