Baby No… I Fucking Mean It, NO!!!!

Wow, the pressure! Okay, after being hounded and hounded by my loyal readers (all two of ya), I’ve come back to give this whole thing another shot. But for those of you who demand I be more regular… FUCK YOU!!! I shall eat as much cheese as I want, and damned be the blocked-bowel-based consequences!!!! Oh, that’s not what ya meant? Ah, screw it.

 

Though, to be fair, it’s not just my fans. Yeah, that’s right, you’re not my every motivation… gonna cry now? I felt compelled to return to share my thoughts and hate, mainly the venomous, venomous hate, about a subject which has grown in a distressingly short space of time from nothing to… well, still nothing, just now an over exposed nothing. Who can tell where I’m going with this?

 

Don’t strain yourself with the guesswork, man.

 

That’s right, boys and girls. Justin-Fucking-Bieber. Oh, boy, now that the mystery guest has been revealed the fun can finally begin, hey? Well, there’s a curiosity… who’d have thought I’d use the word “fun” in any relation to Justin Bieber?

 

 Will you put your hand down already?!?!

 

Really, what can I say about Justin Bieber that you aren’t already thinking? I, personally, despair of any world where such a feminine looking 10 year old can not only pretend he’s the world’s greatest lover, but do so in song. For my money there’s only one lover-supreme in the world and he sure as hell doesn’t look like he’s waiting for his balls to drop!

 

He also can’t believe it’s not butter.

 

And just what the hell is with this kid’s fucking arrogance? Bieber Fever? What the flying-fuck-on-a-rat is that? Sure as hell doesn’t sound like anything I wanna catch. I mean, what are the symptoms? Shrinking down to a height that would embarrass a dwarf? Or maybe it’s gaining the ability to reach superstardom without any discernible hint of talent? I actually wouldn’t mind that one, were that the case, but I strongly suspect this Bieber Fever actually reduces a victim to nothing more than a screaming girl, incapable of doing anything but wave signs asking the newest teen idol to impregnate me. Well, whatever the symptoms, the spread of this disease is insane… we’re talking thousands of people falling prey all at once, to the point where the police have to shut down any gathering of the afflicted for fear they’ll spread. And that was in Australia!!! We tamed the land of Death itself, yet Bieber Fever brings out the fear within us!

 

However, as I touched on above, this kid’s Everest-sized ego wouldn’t be so terrible were he actually able to back it up with, oh, I don’t know, some talent in some field which proved of any value to the human race. Yet time and time again he seems determined to prove that he has none. Take for instance, the video clip to his song ‘Baby’.

 

 

Now, let me start by pointing out the obvious… when you are outshone by the freakin’ cameo in your song, you’ve got issues bigger than your Messiah complex. Now, to the nitty gritty of it, this song deals with the story of Justin Bieber’s inability to accept a girl rejecting him, of all people, and in an effort to woo her back he not only goes to crazy stalker lengths, but also resorts to a dance off. Wait… yeah, I got that right. Yeah, I told you it was stupid. Didn’t I warn you? No? Well, consider this a late warning… it’s stupid.

 

I’d say let’s start by analysing the logic of this song, but there is none! In the first verse alone this pint-sized prat contradicts himself on every line. He says she loves him, then feels the need to ask if they’re an item. He claims she wants him, then tells her to quite playing. What the fuck, good sir? What the fuck? Well, to his credit, he calmly asks her just what their problems are, and suggests they work through them to reach a better relationship. Buying that? Didn’t think so. Yeah, his response is actually:

 

Baby, baby, baby oh

Like baby, baby, baby no

Like baby, baby, baby oh

Thought you’d always be mine, mine (repeat for shits and giggles)

 

Now correct me if I’m wrong, but this seems like one of the most inefficient ways to win back your partner, let alone a proto-partner or whatever is going on there. Break down and bitch? Yeah, that’s great, she’ll totally come running back to you. Once again though Bieber is totally on the case. To make up for his lack of romancing skills, he chases the poor girl, who has already made it apparent she ain’t interested (and judging by her expression is actually trying to hold back nausea), chases her all over this incredibly large building like the little stalker he is, claiming that if she comes back to him he’ll buy her things. There ya go boys, that girl ya like not responding to hair pulling and name-calling? Buy her shit, you’ll get all the right kinds of women that way! Still that frigid bitch refuses his advances! What is he doing wrong? Oh, that’s right, he hasn’t impressed her with his mad dancing skills. Cos’, ya know, that’s why those musical theatre fans get all the vag. What makes this more laughable though is that, even if we suspend disbelief and say mad dancing will win the girl’s heart, Bieber doesn’t even do it himself. Instead he sends his friends to dance in his place! This is like trying to impress a girl by making her laugh, then getting her to watch Big Bang reruns… doing stuff via proxy does not work! Then, to top it all of, Bieber flips the viewer the bird, safe in the smug knowledge that, even if the viewer has more brain cells than Bieber, he has more money then we’ll ever see in our lifetime.

 

Still not convinced this little shit is a talentless hack, not even worthy of the title Anti-christ (the Anti-christ actually being a kinda cool idea)? Check out some of the lyrics to his song ‘One Less Lonely Girl’.

 

If you let me inside of your world

There’s gonna be one less lonely girl

 

Seems just a little bit full of himself, doesn’t he? The kid is twelve! The only way he can be a player is if he picks up a Playstation control!

 

I can fix up your broken heart

I can give you a brand new start

I can make you believe

 

Wait, those words seem familiar! Hmm, they seem to echo ones I’ve heard before. Some other crazy guy, about the same size, claiming he has the power to fulfil all sorts of shit.

 

 

Seriously… Justin Bieber, patient zero for Bieber Fever, die in a fire. It’s the only way to make sure nothing remains to taint future generations.

 

 Justin Bieber: Counting the number of uses he actually has

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